Training Your Girlfriend

When you first start dating a new girlfriend, you want to be on your best behavior. Sure, you want to make a good impression, but what you're really doing is catering to her to get sex.

The problem is, the power base shifts to her right from the outset and she knows it. She's in charge of access to the zipper and she counts on you bending over backward to gain entry. So she's got you.

But there's more to it than that.

You might not be aware of it, but what she's really up to is training you to be what she calls a "gentleman" -- acting nice and accommodating, paying for her meals and chauffeuring her around like a servant. And that's not all. She's also busy laying her traps to lock you into this pattern for the course of the relationship.

Before you know it, she'll have you on her leash, following her around like a puppy dog, eagerly awaiting her next command, and lapping up the few sexual kibbles she tosses at you to keep you at "heel."

Sounds despicable, doesn't it? Yet girlfriends do it to men all the time. Why? Because we let them. We allow them to treat us like obedient pets, with sex as our reward for the "correct" behavior.

But what if you don't want to wind up as your girlfriend's puppy dog? Is there any way out of this canine catastrophe? The answer is "yes."

The trick is to beat her to the punch -- act fast and treat her like one first. A girlfriend can make a best friend and ideal companion, but like any bitch (female dog, that is), she needs to be taught how to act around the house. So you have to set the ground rules early by enrolling her in your own private obedience school.

Common Obedience Problems

Aggression

She's out of control and constantly acts up. Brainwashed by a steady diet of Oprah and "feminist" propaganda, she's now "empowered," meaning that her thoughts run somewhere along these lines: "Men have been holding me back, I want mine now, and I don't care what pair of testicles I have to step on to get it." Since a girlfriend's brain is unable to distinguish emotion from logic, this kind of fantasy thinking will prompt her to act in self-destructive patterns and will cause you undue stress around the house.

Whining

She doesn't like to be left alone. She pouts when you hook up for the weekly poker game with your buddies. She harps at you to buy her something, and when she gets it, she doesn't want it anymore (or demands something even more expensive). She nags that you watch too much ESPN. She's always whimpering that she's too fat, too old or not pretty enough. She craves constant attention.

Barking

Yap, yap, yap. She talks incessantly. But the problem is that she goes on and on and on about nothing. You're on the phone, trying to close a business deal, and there she is in the background, yipping about her new pair of shoes.

Disobedience

Like a dog, she is hard to train. No matter what you want, she always insists on getting her own way, then throws a tantrum or cuts off sex if you oppose her. She's always escaping from the yard to go shopping. And she won't respect your commands ("roll over," "lie down," "play dead").

Begging

She always "begs" with her hands on her hips -- never on all fours. All you hear from her is, "I want this," "Give me that" (on your credit card, of course) and "My girlfriend's boyfriend bought her a car -- why are you so cheap?" Not to mention that she expects to be regularly taken out for expensive dinners.

House destruction

You just can't leave her alone in your place. You go out for a few hours to play golf, and when you come back, your autographed Bears poster and leather couch have been replaced by flower prints and a shrimp-colored loveseat. And there are friggin' valances on the windows.

Not fetching

An improperly trained girlfriend doesn't know that she should always bring you a beer without having to be asked.

Chasing

Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars. An untrained girlfriend will abandon you and run after any male who happens by with a few baubles and a Porsche.

Not being housetrained

Girlfriends are notorious for not knowing how to put the toilet seat back up.

Training Your Girlfriend

You can see how much upset an untrained girlfriend can bring into your life. So how can you counteract these bad behaviors?

Act early and often

Girlfriends have to be taught obedience from day one, or they will soon think that their bad behavior will be tolerated. Once improper patterns have been imprinted on the female brain, they can be extremely difficult to alter - you can't teach an old girlfriend new tricks. The idea is to set the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship so that she can understand what's expected of her. This means your regular night out with the guys, sharing dating expenses and sex on your terms.

Don't be afraid to say "no"

As many would believe, girlfriends aren't usually as bright as men, so they typically have to be told more than once. And spank her if she continues to misbehave. If she likes it, spank her a lot.

Use operant conditioning

Freely encourage her good behaviors (being in heat, excessive licking, humping, and especially obeying the command, "Down, girl!") with praise and rewards while ignoring the bad. The idea is not to punish her for doing something wrong (unless she's into that sort of thing), but to withhold attention from the behaviors you don't like. This way, she will slowly catch on and eliminate the unwanted patterns from her repertoire. As she starts to become dependent upon your approval or disapproval, she will act more agreeably and respectfully toward you.

Practice Makes Perfect

All in all, obedience training is one of the best things you can do for your girlfriend and yourself, because a well-trained girlfriend makes for a happy relationship. It can enrich your dating life by eliminating unwanted behaviors and can make your time together much more enjoyable. The ultimate result is that you'll wind up with a girlfriend who will treat you well and work hard to please you... the perfect pet to have around the house.

By Matthew Fitzgerald