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Monday, October 16, 2006

Training Your Girlfriend

When you first start dating a new girlfriend, you want to be on your best behavior. Sure, you want to make a good impression, but what you're really doing is catering to her to get sex.

The problem is, the power base shifts to her right from the outset and she knows it. She's in charge of access to the zipper and she counts on you bending over backward to gain entry. So she's got you.

But there's more to it than that.

You might not be aware of it, but what she's really up to is training you to be what she calls a "gentleman" -- acting nice and accommodating, paying for her meals and chauffeuring her around like a servant. And that's not all. She's also busy laying her traps to lock you into this pattern for the course of the relationship.

Before you know it, she'll have you on her leash, following her around like a puppy dog, eagerly awaiting her next command, and lapping up the few sexual kibbles she tosses at you to keep you at "heel."

Sounds despicable, doesn't it? Yet girlfriends do it to men all the time. Why? Because we let them. We allow them to treat us like obedient pets, with sex as our reward for the "correct" behavior.

But what if you don't want to wind up as your girlfriend's puppy dog? Is there any way out of this canine catastrophe? The answer is "yes."

The trick is to beat her to the punch -- act fast and treat her like one first. A girlfriend can make a best friend and ideal companion, but like any bitch (female dog, that is), she needs to be taught how to act around the house. So you have to set the ground rules early by enrolling her in your own private obedience school.

Common Obedience Problems

Aggression

She's out of control and constantly acts up. Brainwashed by a steady diet of Oprah and "feminist" propaganda, she's now "empowered," meaning that her thoughts run somewhere along these lines: "Men have been holding me back, I want mine now, and I don't care what pair of testicles I have to step on to get it." Since a girlfriend's brain is unable to distinguish emotion from logic, this kind of fantasy thinking will prompt her to act in self-destructive patterns and will cause you undue stress around the house.

Whining

She doesn't like to be left alone. She pouts when you hook up for the weekly poker game with your buddies. She harps at you to buy her something, and when she gets it, she doesn't want it anymore (or demands something even more expensive). She nags that you watch too much ESPN. She's always whimpering that she's too fat, too old or not pretty enough. She craves constant attention.

Barking

Yap, yap, yap. She talks incessantly. But the problem is that she goes on and on and on about nothing. You're on the phone, trying to close a business deal, and there she is in the background, yipping about her new pair of shoes.

Disobedience

Like a dog, she is hard to train. No matter what you want, she always insists on getting her own way, then throws a tantrum or cuts off sex if you oppose her. She's always escaping from the yard to go shopping. And she won't respect your commands ("roll over," "lie down," "play dead").

Begging

She always "begs" with her hands on her hips -- never on all fours. All you hear from her is, "I want this," "Give me that" (on your credit card, of course) and "My girlfriend's boyfriend bought her a car -- why are you so cheap?" Not to mention that she expects to be regularly taken out for expensive dinners.

House destruction

You just can't leave her alone in your place. You go out for a few hours to play golf, and when you come back, your autographed Bears poster and leather couch have been replaced by flower prints and a shrimp-colored loveseat. And there are friggin' valances on the windows.

Not fetching

An improperly trained girlfriend doesn't know that she should always bring you a beer without having to be asked.

Chasing

Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars. An untrained girlfriend will abandon you and run after any male who happens by with a few baubles and a Porsche.

Not being housetrained

Girlfriends are notorious for not knowing how to put the toilet seat back up.

Training Your Girlfriend

You can see how much upset an untrained girlfriend can bring into your life. So how can you counteract these bad behaviors?

Act early and often

Girlfriends have to be taught obedience from day one, or they will soon think that their bad behavior will be tolerated. Once improper patterns have been imprinted on the female brain, they can be extremely difficult to alter - you can't teach an old girlfriend new tricks. The idea is to set the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship so that she can understand what's expected of her. This means your regular night out with the guys, sharing dating expenses and sex on your terms.

Don't be afraid to say "no"

As many would believe, girlfriends aren't usually as bright as men, so they typically have to be told more than once. And spank her if she continues to misbehave. If she likes it, spank her a lot.

Use operant conditioning

Freely encourage her good behaviors (being in heat, excessive licking, humping, and especially obeying the command, "Down, girl!") with praise and rewards while ignoring the bad. The idea is not to punish her for doing something wrong (unless she's into that sort of thing), but to withhold attention from the behaviors you don't like. This way, she will slowly catch on and eliminate the unwanted patterns from her repertoire. As she starts to become dependent upon your approval or disapproval, she will act more agreeably and respectfully toward you.

Practice Makes Perfect

All in all, obedience training is one of the best things you can do for your girlfriend and yourself, because a well-trained girlfriend makes for a happy relationship. It can enrich your dating life by eliminating unwanted behaviors and can make your time together much more enjoyable. The ultimate result is that you'll wind up with a girlfriend who will treat you well and work hard to please you... the perfect pet to have around the house.

By Matthew Fitzgerald

30 comments:

james said...

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Anonymous said...

u dont know what ur talking abt...how abt all the stupid boyfriendz that beleive that u should listen to their comandz and do only wht they want..girls are way smarter than guyz....and not all girlz are like the way u made us out to be in ur stupid artical.

Mike said...

this is Soooo funny.. i love how it takes the biggest evil twist in the first paragraph.. haha shit man i just read an article from a dyke.. and then this.. and i mean it sounds like theres a secret gender war going on hey.. haha good to see someones fighting for the boys.. cause everyones got all girly! but shit when i get in a relationship i cant think that much about actually traiinnnning a girl.. lol.. so funny.

Anonymous said...

trannin a chick? haha my ass, guys dont train girls, im 16 n hav been with my gf for 2 years, n shes alredy takin my man card

Anonymous said...

u dont know what ur talking abt...how abt all the stupid boyfriendz that beleive that u should listen to their comandz and do only wht they want..girls are way smarter than guyz....and not all girlz are like the way u made us out to be in ur stupid artical.

=??? I don't understand. But there really isn't too much to be upset about most of this actually is training girls to be less insecure, love themselves and have mutual respect for there sig other (SHOCKING).

The real sad part is that I don't care about any of these factors... but I have to, otherwise it'll appear as though I don't respect myself... And how could someone respect/love another who doesn't respect themselves.

What would be a good line for a verbal spanking? (In case your on the phone.)

"Aww honey... you shouldn't have... No really you shouldn't have"

More examples please?

Anonymous said...

First of all, this article is like degrading your girl friend.

I don't agree with you, this is not how you treat girls

be nice and let me tell you a way

1) Dont give much attention to her. she should be in a disposable position in front of you.

2) install a sense of competition

3) use degrading tactics, never fully acknowledge her

4) The more insecure she becomes, you need to take her insecurity to next level.

5) Don't let your dignity fall in front of her


6) occasionally break her heart

7) treat her like your puppy. some times nice and some times break her heart.

Rest guaranteed that she will be what ever you want her to be.

Anonymous said...

Ughhhh u idiots girls are 3 times smarter than u..... Ughhh u really should get with the program girls are supposed to be treated with respect of my bf did anything like that I would dump him quicker than u could count to 10..... Ughhh get a life and u make them insecure u really think u can play with our minds like that!!?

e=MC Vaginas said...

rofl.... this isnt a serious article, but if you would leave your boyfriend for anything short of abuse or infidelity then; in my opinion , you are either a shitty gf or you arent taking your relationship seriously. anyways this article is for everyones amusement and holds a few dark truths... like Micheal Jackson jokes. just voiceing my opinion,

show me your genetals said...

oh on another note, the intelligence comment signifies that not only do you take this seriously, you also are sexist... and your grammatical errors make you sound like a fucking dumbass. next time you deffend female intellect, please dont remind me of a cross betwee Palin and Bush! FUCK... both sexes have idiots like every religion has extremists. Not every muslim is suicidal and not every southern christian is racist and rapes their children just like how not every guy is a dick and not every chick is a bitch... but dont represent females if you are the latter and dont represent the males if you are the prior. hence the bush and palin reference.

Skyler Touchet said...

Dude, you forgot the "n" on between and you forgot to capitalize every proper noun in your little comment. So, before you chastise someone on their grammar, you should make sure yours is right.... Jackass!!

Writer said...

Oh MY GOD! My bf was exactly like that! Now I know who to blame. You guys are soooo MeAn.

Pro Seduction Training said...

haha. i think this article is funny. and in some cases it makes senses. but not all.

girls love attention. even if its the bad kind of attention. thats why when you get into a fight with a girl, it's almost impossible to win, cause they feed off of it. and you just want it to end.

girlfriends. are great lovers, and friends. and im not saying that they don't serve a purpose. but that should be the purpose of making men happy. and not bitchin and complaining all the time.

check out this seduction training though. good stuff here.

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Anonymous said...

Men with an IQ of 120 outnumber women with an IQ of 120 5:1, and with an IQ of 140 that ratio jumps to 20:1. Sorry girls, but honestly, can YOU picture girls building spaceships and going to the moon on their own with no men to help them? Didn't think so. And yes, girls will make you a slave if you let them, but they despise you for it. Girls love men who dominate them, but it is a subtle art.

Anonymous said...

.......i'm incredibly insulted with this bloody hell

Anonymous said...

Wow Misogyny 101
The author is really showing his fear of women: dominate or be dominated. In this article there is no room for an equal, loving, or intimate relationship.

Any woman who is a woman will walk away immediately. On a first date I had a guy show me his two cell phones, "tell me" how the relationship was to go with a spreadsheet and when I stood up for myself he literally sneered at me and then totally stared at this other woman for ten seconds and then, "You know if it bothers you when I look at other women you just need to let me know." I smiled at him and kept on eating. No, I never dated him again and yes, he paid for dinner. BTW he has been on-line dating for about 2 years now - no success - go figure????

Anonymous said...

Lol, SPOT on they secretly LOVE been dominated. They're attention seekers, therefore only give them attention for good behavior, if they misbehave SPANK them HARD on their butt's (in a joke mannerism) as time goes on just ask them " Babe, must I SPANK you ??? " She'll keep quiet like a good submissive.
Takes time and patience.

Also all the girls jumping on the defense here, is because they insecure with themselves, and in need of a good SPANK ;)

Anonymous said...

If you're reading this, you like penis..haha you like penis

Anonymous said...

Wow I really hope this is a joke. If not, then I wonder if the author has ever been in a meaningful lasting relationship.
Not all women are like this. And not all men need to dominate. The only way to succeed in any relationship is to remember we are only human. We make mistakes but holding grudges solves nothing. We should both treat each other with respect. If my husband expects me to bring him a beer from the fridge he sure as hell better do the same for me. Putting up sexist articles only fuels sexist beliefs that seperate us and turn us against one another. Sounds counterproductive right? If on the other hand u fear women and relationships with women, then keep up the good work

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. If you actually believe any of this, you need help, because there is something seriously wrong with you. You obviously have no respect for your fellow human beings, specifically women.
I can't even begin to say what the main problem is here, because it's so entirely messed up. You literally say that women are like animals.
You characterize women as evil, greedy, dominating, primitive, manipulative monsters. Obviously there are lots of greedy, shallow and manipulative women out there, but the same goes for men! Men are not inherently smarter, better, or more moral in any way than women, in fact they mostly have the same problems. I mean, we're female humans, not a completely different species. If your partner is into sexual domination and it's consensual, go ahead. This is different, though. If your partner is this materialistic and awful, how about you dump her/him? Because obviously, not everyone is like this. Just because other people are morally corrupt doesn't mean the solution is sinking to their level.
Honestly, you proved how one can not take you seriously with this one statement alone: "Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars." Seriously? You mean, like little tweety-birds? When's the last time a woman was talking to you and then got distracted because "Ooh, shiny!" ? You've obviously never actually known love or a meaningful relationship, and after reading this I can only assume it's because you never wanted one.

Anonymous said...

I think it's funny how many women/girls on here are so defensive and the lil boys who really haven't figured it out. The sad part is that some guys are actually not as smart as most women. That's mostly because a lot of guys haven't actually learned to be a man yet. Men have always been in control of women in the past. So what happened in the last 20 years? A real man should know how to take control of a bitch and she will love you for it.

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you something.. This article might not be completely true and realistic, but it isn't completely off the mark either.

Like someone said about a an online dating guy, let me tell you, he is a wannabe shitbag.

I've been nothing but nice to a few girls I've dates, paid for the bills, always made them feel the queen but what do I get instead? A friend-zone sign! or I get on the leash. This was when I was a student, no money(but still paid!), was careful etc.

Now after all these years I get me some good money, am brash, am busy. A few days back for the first time I controlled a girl. A married woman at that! I'd bet my ass that I could have had her in bed that day. Why all this? Because I controlled her that day. I told her to finish the drink, to stay back late while her husband waited for half an hour to pick her up! I got her to tell me the most intimate details.
This happend a week ago. Now what happens? She can't get enough of me. She keeps calling me up, messaging me. I am ignoring her right now! haha

Between all this please don't forget that I did make her feel like she was the most beautiful lady in the whole world! (She is! :D)

So domination works in right amounts!

Wish me luck my brothers as I go to clinch the deal!

adson stone said...

Hi friend I want share with you some dating tips hope you enjoy. Be a gentleman We should all strive to be gentlemen at all times; however, many men today shy away from it, attempting to respect a woman’s space and equality. Believe it or not, there are still plenty of women who still appreciate chivalry and being treated like a lady, and being a gentleman when you are in the presence of a lady shows her that you are attentive, respectful and well-mannered.
2. Maintain eye contact
It can be tempting to look a beautiful woman up and down, and the more beautiful she is, the harder it is to concentrate on the conversation with her. Just remember, if she catches you staring at her cleavage when she’s telling you how much her dad means to her, you’ll look like a creep.
Women Magnet Formula Review

Anonymous said...

For all you non believers...I am a woman that my boyfriend of 7 years is trying to train. I love to obey him. He has a list of rules for me to follow and I usually do (and they aren't unreasonable), or I get punished. I lay here today on my tummy because my butt hurts from breaking a rule last night. It hurts too bad to even put shorts on. He doesn't beat me. I just get spanked with his hand or a paddle while nude until I cry with a little extra so he knows he's getting thru to me. Why do I break the rules when I know it's going to hurt so much? I think I forget how bad it will be. I have other punishments besides being spanked. Writing lines, corner time, chores in the nude, etc. To reinforce my bad behavior of last night (I didn't want to give him oral), I have to be naked and on my knees every day for a week and greet him at the door with a blow job. I am already truly sorry that I denied him. The reason I like this lifestyle is because if I treat him like a King and am submissive to him, he treats me like a Queen and I get anything I want.

Anonymous said...

Too bad you can't spell.

Unknown said...

Ikr?

Saigai Hikigane said...

XD nice jokes

Saigai Hikigane said...

On the contrary, there is a significant difference in IQ between the genders. Women tend to cluster to the middle, while guys tend towards the extremes, so they are both smarter and dumber than you.
Also, calm your tits, the writer wrote the article as a joke.

Saigai Hikigane said...

Grammar nazziiiii

Saigai Hikigane said...

Sucks to be you then

Saigai Hikigane said...

It's a fucking joke