You may have noticed that every romantic comedy ends as soon as the relationship begins: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy reforms, boy gets girl back, the end. The part that we do not see is the haggard boy several years later, after he’s been bled dry by his demanding girlfriend and has raised someone else’s kid. In order to avoid becoming one of these haggard fellows, certain female archetypes should be given as much attention as yesterday’s newspaper.
If you are not careful with the type of woman you choose to approach, you will soon notice the giant sucking sound of your soul being spun down into a vortex and into the black hole of your next relationship.
Getting involved with certain women has irreversible ramifications that can eventually cause interference with the simple joys of life like the Rose Bowl or the World Series, for instance. Instead of the NBA Finals, it will be Breakfast at Wimbledon and a day of shopping with your future mother-in-law.
There are different types of women who should be avoided at all costs. By comparing your dates to certain female Hollywood icons, you can quickly identify these problematic partners on your next date.
1. The Zellweger
Renee Zellweger provides a case study for men to learn from and avoid. Her character on Jerry Maguire is a pitfall, a sinkhole, a Venus flytrap waiting patiently for a man to enter her home, wield her child and discover his inner father before he even becomes one. The lovable son is too young to realize you’re not his real dad, but he soon will.
What the movie does not show is the United States Marine husband who is serving his third tour in Iraq. He’ll soon be bringing the war to all those pretty boys who made it with his wife while he was gone, including you.
2. The Jolie
Her mysteriousness exudes a tortured, creative secret that you simply must uncover, but be advised: The Angelina Jolie type is a wretched mess. She looks like a mystifying piece of wonderment, and there's something about her copious tattoos that attracts you. The appeal of the Jolie type is strange, though: Add chewing tobacco and she would look like a super hot, female version of your mechanic.
She is adventurous, has a wild side and is comfortable riding a motorcycle, but eventually her depression will roll over like a herd of bloated cattle in your living room. Her obsession with death and Gothic astrology will quickly violate all holy days, like Monday Night Football and "Fat Night Tuesday." For you, this will be an emotional, emasculating loss. Her problems with her dark side might only be solved with a backhoe out of there and a good-bye note.
Smart girls may be sexy, but not when they psychoanalyze you to pieces...
3. The Bancroft
A woman has the best chance of conceiving before 35, so time is important to her. If you are a young man, understanding her urgency will be nearly impossible. A younger man will always feel rushed by an older woman. Hollywood has depicted the older woman and the younger man as a wonderful excursion into sexual fantasy. This is only true if the involvement with the older woman is kept strictly as an affair.
If she is much older and has children, rest assured that her adult children are already too old to care about you. If the woman is only five years your senior, listen for a ticking sound beating in her head like in "The Tell-Tale Heart." By age 30, if she has invested any time into you, the ultimatums are secretly being loaded like torpedoes.
Prepare to issue counter-measures. Hot on the heels of the marriage ultimatum will be the request for children. It will actually be more like a Papal decree to Catholics. If you can keep an older woman as a fling and make sure her children are all in college, then you can let her ankles fly and enjoy the ride. Otherwise, break it off while you can.
4. The Curie
Her intelligence fascinated you from the start, but wait until Marie Curie deconstructs you with her triple major, PhD-educated mind. The scientist/psych major/accountant cannot help but put you into logical boxes. She will dissect you and examine you from oblique perspectives, using ratios and quantum physics to weigh the pros and cons of all your flaws.
Around her apartment will be little notes, data-flow diagrams and pie charts outlining your personality qualities. These will be mostly negative, but don’t worry, she also has a five-year project outline that will ensure your “improvement.” Your love for the Miami Dolphins will be viewed as the manifestation of childhood guilt from the time you saw your father naked.
Sex in this relationship will be deconstructed and analyzed until your desire becomes as flat and lifeless as the university degrees she has hanging on her bedroom wall.
nobody’s perfect, but...
Two rules to follow in your search for a girlfriend are: If she’s cool and has no baggage, go for it. The other rule is: No woman is perfect, but at the very least, avoid the Gothic senior citizen who comes equipped with children and four degrees in psychology.